im going back to the start;

it wasn't funny - rethinking what took place last night.
i had two seats to myself, and was forced to wake up due to rough turbulence. i straightened my back , my eyes shut, i remembered my heart beating so fast, it was as if it wanted to beat its way out of me.

i did a quick check - wondering if i told my parents i loved them. i did. i told my grandmother i loved her as well. my brother knew i loved him. my best friend - text her before i got on the plane, i'm pretty sure i told her i loved her. i thought of friends - ones that were close, im pretty sure the last of conversations - i told them i loved them.

i told everyone i loved them.

now at least i got that cleared. that if i was meant to leave that moment, at least i knew i left behind my loved ones informed of what they meant to me.

and then it was down to deeds. the good, the bad. i wondered if i did enough. i wondered if my repentance was accepted somehow. did i repent enough ? did i give enough ? did i learn enough ? i wondered if me being gone would alter some lives in some ways that would make them change for the better?

that whole rush of feelings in one seating, on a shaky airplane, i prayed so hard for Allah to extend my life just a little longer. i wanted to do more.

and it was within that hour of desperation, i felt regret. i felt that i could have done things a lot more better, fought a little harder, believed a little deeper, faithed a little stronger towards things and people.

i was scared, and i was alone.

i knew somehow that i was insufficient. but i had a light feeling in me that i was finally going to meet Him. i wasn't proud of the baggage i had with me then, but i prayed so hard that He would oversee things after the conversations i had in me with Him. i knew He listened.

and in that moment of anxiety, that moment of regret, i thanked Him for granting me such a beautiful family. a father who has the kindest heart, a mother who is strong internally and externally, two annoyingly beautiful brothers, and now, an amazing  fiance, a lifetime partner to-be inshaAllah, a humble, kind hearted soul, who cares so much for his family, who looks after his mom and watches over his beautiful sister as she grows older.

i've done so much damage to this soul, and yet He keeps giving me the best for myself. this love He shows me, is beyond anything i can ever imagine.

and the next thing i know, i woke up to this beautiful view. i was above the clouds, it was breath taking. they looked fluffy, almost like cotton candies, and i wondered if i jumped out of the plane, i would land on them softly.

it would be a waste flying through all this not thinking how beautiful He made them to be. subhanallah, every creation You create, amazes me, fills me with love and hope that with Your love, every other distraction seems little.

im officially obsessed staring at clouds and the sky. theres something about them that keeps you calm.

i vow to try harder everyday. to be kinder, to love stronger, to faith better.

if only we realize every single day given, is another chance granted to serve Him. and one day, that chance will run out. and let not that day come with regret. lets make full use of the now, together.

inshaAllah.