hardest thing

i think , the hardest thing to do is to be the better person in things.

i think, the more i think about it, the more my heart feels uneasy with the thought of trying to rise above a situation, forgiving, letting go, and moving on.

a broken heart deserves its moment of retaliation - i think. a moment to think, and question, and reflect, but thats all its going to do. all that cycle, in repeat, until you get tired.

people can hurt us in many ways we dont usually understand ourselves. they cut us with words, small actions, throwing expressions across like we're all bulletproof somehow. things hurt us and sometimes we don't even know why. they just do - and this, can be so tiring to comprehend.

analyzing to me - just kills it. i'm such a sucker for analyzing things. what went wrong here, how it could have been better. all those sorts, im pretty sure its normal. it becomes abnormal when i look things in a more micro perspective. to the point that just drives me nuts over my own conclusions.

and when im done beating myself up over a situation. i take a giant leap backwards and think, alright, so where did all of this started from ?

individual A letting out a remark to individual B over how individual C should have done better to avoid the situation.

the next golden question,

what would the Beloved do ? what would he do if this was him ?

during a session at Celebrate Mercy event i attended, one of the speakers talked about the Prophet's incident at Thaif.

how the people of Thaif were throwing stones at him cursing him, tried to shoo him away from Thaif, they were so mad at him, and he was hurt by the stones, he bled and took shelter under a tree.

under the tree he made a prayer to Allah s.w.t,

he asked Allah to help him with his weakness in delivering His message to the people. help him become better in doing what needed to be done. he asked for Allah to increase him with patience, and wisdom to deal with the situation

ever noticed how the Prophet pbuh focused on himself in his supplications ? he did not pray to Allah to fix the characters of the people of Thaif, he prayed for Allah to fix himself, his weaknesses, his shortcomings more than anything else.

that amazing point of humbleness came from our own Beloved prophet. and he was the one most tested with other people's ignorance, and hatred, and curses, and physical aggression.

makes whatever it is im going through, a very, very, minor, and petty thing.

how embarassing.

and here i am, in prayers, asking Allah to fix everyone else. but hardly ever pray for Him to fix my own soul.

ms analyser, its time we take that microscopic lens internally.

may Allah improve us all.