what is all this stuttering and long intervals when being asked about that one simple question ? i may be risking the situation by overthinking things, but it frustrates me knowing that i was never, by far, the type who was uncertain when it comes to things that i wanted, what more needed.
he noticed a tone of fear. not uncertainty, but fear of the unknown. like i was prepared for something sweet, but not something great. and when greatness comes, and when logically its supposed to sweep me off my feet, i find my toes gripping the ground for stability. complete opposite.
its great coming back to that familiarity and knowing things are still the way it is between us. 11 months apart was no reason for things to change, that laughter, that same lines we exchanged, it was all good. it always makes us feel a lot more at ease knowing that theres some place to fall back into whenever we're left out all on our own after a long time. a thing that only filzah, him and i share.
maybe its time to realize and come to terms with the fact that i was once broken, and healing, is still in process. maybe i never allowed myself to have a breather on life simply because a small part of me wanted to know if it is still out there. and when i accidently bumped into something that showed me the slightest glimpse of hope, i grabbed, not wanting to be left wondering about aimlessly.
it was this, gap of time, of searching and calming myself down to see if this was all i ever wanted. perhaps it is, perhaps not, i still dont know. but thats the risk we all take. knowing that we dont know. not knowing takes us to places. knowing, takes us no where.
and i guess the first step to all this whirlwind is to accept the very fact that some things need to be clarified, some things need to be sorted out, arranged, written down, so that i could remember the whole purpose, reason of this outcome.
and it never hurts trying. no one can undo a mistake, but everyone has a chance of trying something different in their lives and learn something new out of it. or better, become someone, out of it.
because a mess is never a mess unless you see it as one.
3 comments:
i never miss a single entries of yours.
hardly commenting, coz i totally have no ideas who or what u r dealing with,
but,
it is always interesting to read and keep me wandering, who and what are you talking,
but still, i'm a fan..hehe
kat mana u internship babe?
awal : haha thanks for reading pal ! :P appreciate it much xx
anon : kpmg
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