our Plus One;

My little Hamza.

There were so many thoughts that ran through my mind about birthing you. How long would it take? What the pain would be like, will i be able to bear it? What if you only had one eye ? ( seriously, i don't know why i had the most scariest things on my mind )

And i lived through my last moments being pregnant, like all other normal days, except with much more intense prayers to Allah that i would birth you fine, and that you would be perfect for your Abah and i. 

I never actually realised how it would hit me this hard. I thought i knew how i would love you. I thought i knew the drill, that it would be this unconditional love, that seeing you would make every other sorrow or disappointments disappear.

Boy was i such a fool thinking that i had it all in check.

You ripped my heart open, and i felt a kind of love i couldn't control. Hearing your cries whenever the doctor told me they had to give you a jab for vitamin K,X,Y,Z whatever - broke me like never before. What is this love you made me feel?

They told me to be strong about it. That it was all just the beginning and there will be many more to come.

My heart squeezes itself by the thought of things. There are so so many things i want to protect you from, and some days i wish i had ten arms to hold, feed, change you while doing all the other housework that needs to be done.

There were days i wished my heart was stronger. I tried ignoring your cries whenever i know you just want attention and let others attend to you, thinking i might spoil you into a habit that would make things more troublesome down the road.

But how could i? 

Your cries got louder and louder and it just made me feel a lot worst.

Your aunty shaz always reminded me that its a new place for you out here. And i'm the only familiar being you know. 

And come to think of it, you've been inside me for so long, hearing my voice, feeling my every move, my reactions, and now, my scent. How could i just not attend to you when you need me the most?

I couldn't bring myself to do it. I couldn't bring myself to do a lot of other things i was told not to do when it comes to you.

Not just yet, atleast.

The beauty of things is that, tiny beings like you don't come with a manual. Its both a blessing and a test actually.

Your abah and i are mostly winging it. We took advices and from our own experiences of once being kids. And most of the time, they don't even work on you my love.

I guess its true, from the saying,

"Do not raise your children the way [your] parents raised you, they were born for a different time." - Ali bin Abi Thalib

While your abah and i are constantly learning about you, we realise how much more of a challenge we are put in, raising you with the current climate of the world. So much hatred, lies, misconceptions thrown around freely.

Amongst all other things we're worried about.

Looking at those tiny eyes of yours, well, all other things can wait.

Lets enjoy seeing you grow a day at a time, okay?