turn it around;

i just had a crappy morning.

how's that for a start of an entry? quite negative but dont give up on me just yet. it was crappy because i did something i shouldn't have done. that led me to this hard twisting feeling in my chest, could not breathe, could not sleep - so i did what i did worst in. i had breakfast.

i am by far, the worst breakfast eater you can probably imagine. i am simply not a breakfast person. and the only one way you can make me eat breakfast is if you're my father who actually goes through the trouble of making me toast with eggs or fancy stuffs that will just make me feel guilty if i ignored all effort. so the trick ? make me a fancy breakfast, with effort, and ill probably eat it because i dont want to hurt anyones feelings.

i hope no close friends reads this.

chewing down the cereals this morning was just challenging. but it was a good move. i distracted myself so well about this, big achievement in having breakfast a proper breakfast in a long time, that i almost forgot about the crappiness i felt earlier on. well, almost.

crappy morning got crappier later on.

resort to swings.

as i swung my way, i thought,

okay, damage done. what can i do to change this ? to make it better for everyone, to make it less of a burden for myself, just really, for the better everyone?

look.

we cant possibly hold on to so many hearts. eventually, it gets dropped off due to our own incapabilities of yes, being human. stop wanting to play God's role and act as if everyone needs that saving. well, they do, but not from us really.

so yes, ive decided to drop let go of a few unnecessaries, and start focusing on the ones that deserve to be prioritized from now on. like my own, the people i love most and so forth.

letting go does not mean i wont care about it, i will, if it gets to my attention, but its just time that i stick close to what i want to get done with. what i want to achieve rather than placing everyone else's needs above mine. pleasing people is a nice feeling, but i dont plan to be a people pleaser all the way.

im sorry, but some things have got to change. some distance are better off being distant. i dont intend to change that anymore.

things will turn around soon. just not now.