fix you;

often i find myself at the least of expected places when my mind starts to wander. thinking about the most random of people on my diary, people that came by accident, left by choice, stayed by narration. whichever. most of the time i purposely feel awkward in hoping that it somehow leads me somewhere, more often than not, i just get drowned by my own thoughts and perceptions. at the end of the day, i end up seeing things just as how i want them to be. - and this is the powerful powerful way the mind works. what it sets, it becomes.

how are you doing ? it seems as if your life has been set out for you, and im assuming you're living that exact dream we talked about 10 years ago in the car. how has that changed you now ? how come you're happiness seem to suffocate you ? that was unexpected, but we both know that life is always about the unexpected, she said.

i remember walking with you one night, ure shadow trailing behind, and i developed this habit of stepping on them as you walked. i thought, that way, i could then see the world from your view, with your pace, and i thought that comfortness i felt was permanent, it was supposed to last. well i thought wrong. you doubled your speed, left me behind trying to sprint my way to catch up, and in the end i got tired. i was forced to walk on my own pace, with no shadow to lead me this time. with no pace to follow. and here i am.

i am a better version of me i must say. i am a stronger version of you i must state. that different level of mentality brought me here, that different kind of pain drove me here. it was a mixture of both that i got confused with not wanting to move forward and feeling a weight pulling me behind at the same time. at one point i thought it was impossible. there was no way my heart could work inversely with those components. it all a had a direct movement. a direct effect, a direct relationship that increases when another increases.

until i decided to not fix you.

and started fixing myself.