I find myself questioning my life purpose these days. as if mothering isn't a solid reason enough for me to keep on keeping on.
I've started work for 2 weeks now, this week being my 3rd week - I feel its AMAYZING being 2 days a week. I needed it more for myself more than anything. but then I found myself having the mom guilt during the second week, thinking of all the things that could go wrong at home whilst Hamza wasn't under my care. I remembered sitting in the meeting room, shivering. I tried so hard blocking my negative thoughts of not having my phone with me incase of an emergency. I clenched my fist tight, felt my palms sweating - obviously my mind wasn't focused into the meeting, my heart beating fast.
I then remembered of a time I felt the same way about an incident, and I was sharing with Azhar of my anxiety. I was anxious and felt nervous of my own thoughts. He told me,
Things that we can't control, we leave it to Allah.
Instantly, I made my salawat, faced down, I recited it as many times as I could - praying hard for Allah to keep my family safe from harm.
After what felt like forever, meeting was over and I brisk walked to my desk, only to find no calls, no messages, nothing on my phone. No news means good news to me. Haha.
But anyway, it happened only once, and then I was alright again. I reminded myself of how important it was for me to be at work, not only for me but also for the family. And though I felt like Hamza needed me, he really was actually having more fun being with his Uncle / Dad. Which is good for him too I believe.
I guess what makes it hard was the fact that I actually loved being at home.
OH MY GOD HAMZA JUST TOOK 6 STEPS WHILE I WAS BLOGGING THIS GUYSSSSS. HAHAHAHAHAH
okay ill probably continue my rant some other time. if I still remember. hehe
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