pace ;

its been rather difficult trying to find my pace these days. at times where i'd think that i'm better 3 steps ahead, i find myself too quick for everyone to catch up. i slowed down. and then i was suddenly too slow for myself, i quickened.

the anxiety - is what usually kills me.

alhamdulillah, it has been great, so far. like at this end, if i were to glance behind for awhile, to have a look at all the steps i've taken with you, it is different. different to what i have expected for myself. different in terms of approach, execution. half of the time i'm not even sure if i know what i'm doing. most importantly, i feel really safe. like walking on a slack line, at a height of 100 metres, but seeing a huge safety net down below, knowing it will catch you, whenever you start realizing that you're going to lose balance.

you are, that net to me.

i'm not entirely sure either, when was the first time it happened. which makes it all really funny as well. i've always thought that somehow i'd remember every bits of things when it comes to you. but i don't. and the fact that it is all just surface level for now - makes everyday interesting and exciting.

discussions thrown over the table. i like the fact that it is all very serious and not serious at the same time. i get overwhelmed by the situation but your calmness always cools me down. watching you stand alone, all of these doubts goes away somehow.

i remember the day both of us were swamped by pressure. trying to get things done at the best convenience for everyone. i retreated, stepped away from you to have my space and be in my own bubble. not wanting to rub off my negativity to you. i drowned myself in my pile of funds, and fatih seferagic's recitation for the whole day. one of the best food for a nervous soul. my ways could have easily thrown you off - that selfishness,. only to find you, calming yourself down with recitations, and prayers at the same time.

we may not know yet how different eyes we have to things - but alhamdulillah, i'm happy to know that we have the same method of retreat. to know we both know where to go in times of difficulties.

i was once scared of the whole idea of things. but there has always been something that kept me in this. and the greatest pull of all has always been from the way you handled me, our situation, and everyone else.

i am perfectly aware of all your imperfections. quite scarily, those imperfections slowly perfects mine. i hope you won't have to worry how perfect you need to be. i know none of us are.

after all, it has always been about the having the perfect imperfection that fits this temporary place. finding that ticket for the next life - towards the far, bigger things than here.

now back to hearing your two cents on how minimum wages should be implemented back home. remind me to swap newspapers to some good books on our breakfast table. saves me from the boring political talks - i'm joking :)