I'm not ready.

I hate having to count the days. I hate feeling like I have not much time left. I hate, carrying this weight with me. I feel nervous, anxious, excited yet afraid of what will be presented to me in a whole new world I'm about to be in.

I keep telling myself to take it as it goes. To worry about the bridge when I get to it. To push to the left all worries of something I'm not even sure of yet. I keep telling myself to just keep calm, and appreciate each day that passes by.

And then I look at them.

And find myself truly blessed.

All worries gone in just one picture, one captured moment. Telling me, everything will be okay. Despite second thoughts, there will always be a way.

When I look at them, I find comfort knowing that a love so strong does exist. When I look at dad, I feel safe. I know its hard to find someone like him. Humble, loving, very much a family-man, does outdoors, guides us all towards His path to best that he can. My dad is irreplaceable. He holds my heart like no other, loves me like no other and cares for me like no other.

Mum would be the perfect fit for Dad. She keeps things strong and flowing, she makes sure everyone sticks close and that the family remains together at all time with all the love showered by her and dad. Whatever it is that they did in bringing me up, I know it wasn't easy. But I'm damn sure it worked out well.

Truth is, I'm not very sure of the things that I let happen along the way. I get scared, and I question each events that happen. I'm not very sure if the things I'm fighting for are worth the pain or trust. I'm afraid of falling and hurting all over again. And I know you worry the same way of me. You saw me through my fall, you saw me through everything.

I'm not sure how, but I know I need to be strong for you.

Dear Allah, I'm not ready.

Please protect them for me, protect the people I leave behind for me. There really is nothing else that I could ever wish for, but happiness in everyones lives and blessings from You.

I hope my heart is in the right place. If its not, I know You wanted it to be there for my own good. I'll learn, and if this is going to hurt me, then it will. Only because I know this will make me stronger the next day.


Everything is going to be okay. I promise.